We’re all familiar with the stereotype that portrays bachelors as slobs too horribly incompetent to know how to cook: ex-dorm groupies that end up living on ramen and canned soup and the occasional charred bagel. I don’t know that I’ve ever met anyone quite that bad at cooking, but living on my own dime in New York City (and then on a well-stocked refrigerator upon arriving back home) taught me a few things about how to feed myself, and how to spruce up a bland meal with just an addition or two. I also learned a few important things about kitchen tools: which can be fashioned out of something else, and which are absolute necessities for basic cooking.
If you want decent food with little-to-no-effort, the most major tip I can provide is to own a crock-pot/slow-cooker (after that, googling simple slow-cooker recipes can be an absolute cinch). But the following lessons are about actual cooking, which is not just a life-necessity: it can also help you to impress the ladies in your life (sorry, but I'm going to assume that this series will probably be more helpful to men than to women), and increase your self-esteem when you realize you can actually functionally provide good stuff for yourself.
And so, without further ado, I present to you: a few basic tutorials and “cheat codes” (highlighted by **double-asterisks**) on how to Level-Up your bachelor cooking.
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Basic Tools:
Refrigerator, Stove, Microwave, Sink
Most apartments have at least some meager form of these, so hopefully you do, too. I’m going to function under the assumption that you have access to these four devices.
Fork, Knife, Spoon, Plate, Cup/Mug
Because frankly, if you don’t have these… you’d better be a whiz-kid with chopsticks. And levitating food.
Note: Mugs are nifty because they’re microwavable: for example, you can fill them with eggs and nuke up an omelette almost instantly if you’re in a two-minute time crunch.
**Frying Pan** and Spatula
Believe it or not, this is probably more important than a pot or large bowl. It can actually, in a pinch, function as either. Frying pans are a great way to heat, cook, and melt things quickly, with a bit more flavor and personality than a microwave. By ‘personality’ I mean that crispy-edged sort of goodness that trumps a microwave’s even, processed sort of taste. Compare two batches of scrambled eggs made either way, and the frying pan will almost definitely win.
But don’t try to work a frying pan without some sort of flat-edged utensil to flip its contents — stuff sticks to frying pans, and spatulas are a great way to scrape and stir at the same time.
Pot/Bowl/Large Bowl
Any one of these three can be used if you don’t have the other two — the main difference being that a pot can’t go in the microwave, but it can boil water on the stove. And a lid for said pot is pretty important.
Towels, Paper Towels/Napkins
Because there will be spills. Also, folded towels can function as potholders when handling hot dishes.
Extra-Sharp [Cooking] Knife
Some foods just require a little more than a butter knife to bend them to your will.
Toaster
Not a requirement, but a nice bonus. Crispy bread is always more fun. Also, these babies make incredible space-heaters in the winter. Seriously.
You’re welcome.
Basic Ingredients:
Bread
If you don’t have this… that’s sad.
Butter
Some people like spreadable, some people like the real hard stuff. It’s good not just for topping toast, but also for cooking… basically anything. If you want to cook, you need butter to keep stuff from sticking to pans. Or cooking oil, but why spend extra money on that when you already have butter in the fridge? Plus, butter has more flavor and character than cooking oil.
Eggs
Another staple, which can be used as minor ingredients in a large recipe or as the main course. They’re loaded with protein, and can be cooked hundreds of different ways.
**Dairy** (Milk, Cheese, Sour Cream, Cottage Cheese, Yogurt, Cream Cheese, etc.)
If you want to get anywhere further than ramen and basic scrambled eggs, you’ll want dairy in your fridge. Whether you’re sprucing up old leftovers, a can of pre-made soup, or whatever the meal may be… one of my favorite cooking rules is, “When in doubt, add dairy.” And if you’re lactose intolerant… I am so, so sorry.
Milk is a healthy drink and a great addition to thicken up some watery soups or sauces, and any further dairy products will Level-Up most of your meals at least a bit.
Cheese is a very popular, fairly cheap item that can enhance your recipes especially taste-wise: while there are many flavors at your disposal, I’d say American is probably the cheapest that is also flavorful, easy to melt, and conveniently portioned. (It may not be the most nutritious, but it won't exactly hurt more than a diet of Doritos and Coke.)
The following two items may seem a bit excessive, but they’re both fantastic additions to otherwise blah recipes. Sour cream is a great flavor boost to anything with meat. Cottage Cheese is a great protein snack and a godsend to perfectly fluff scrambled eggs.
Yogurt is good protein and great to mix with granola and/or fruit if you ever happen to buy either of those. It won’t be used much in actual hot-meal cooking, though. Cream Cheese is a nice adaptable ingredient that can add a nice tang to both sweet and savory dishes.
Meat (Deli Ham, Bacon, [Kosher] Hot Dogs, Bratwurst, Summer Sausage, etc.)
Though chicken and pork chops and steaks are all phenomenal to taste, they’re usually pretty largely-portioned and a little more tricky to cook than some beginners can handle. The meats listed above are almost all pre-cooked and pre-portioned, so they can be added to any meal without fear of food-poisoning or excessive leftovers that will grow moldy before they can be finished. (I personally prefer Kosher hot dogs just because we can, in theory, know a little bit more about what they’re made of.)
Note: Bacon is not usually pre-cooked, but that’s easy to remedy: stick it on a plate in the microwave: one minute per bacon slice. Or, if you’re feeling particularly chef-like, you can throw it in the frying pan [no butter or cooking oil required] and fry it up on high with just some occasional stirring to keep it from sticking to the pan. Voila.
Vegetables (**Tomatoes**, Onions, Mushrooms, Lettuce, Zucchini, etc.)
Yeah, this may seem like a bit much, but any one of these items is both nutritious and flavorful (as anyone who’s lived on Ramen for a month has come to appreciate). Tomatoes can add a cool kick to anything, and are probably one of the ultimate Level-Up food items: got a plain plate of scrambled eggs? Add a chopped tomato on top or a couple slices on the side, and suddenly it looks like it came out of a restaurant menu! Taste is subjective, but after weeks of plain omelets, it may be a nice change.
Onions and Mushrooms provide major flavor upgrades. Lettuce is flavorless, but can add a nice crunch to anything lacking in texture. Zucchini can be cooked up by itself with a little butter and cheese as a decent vegetable side-dish.
Fruit
Though good to have, they probably won’t come up much in cooking lessons (except bananas, which are needed in the recipe for Protein Pancakes: the perfect quick man-snack).
Condiments (Peanut Butter, Jelly, Mustard, Mayo, Ketchup, Barbecue Sauce, etc.)
Great little Level-Ups. The first two go well with sweeter, more fruity concoctions — the others go well with more protein-based foods. Salad dressings also fall under the latter category.
Spices (Salt, Pepper, Garlic Powder, Oregano, Basil, Cilantro, Chili Powder, etc.)
A little spice goes a long way: they’ve virtually no expiration date and you don’t generally use large amounts at a time, even when cooking for 5+ people, so once you have a place of your own, a spice collection is a good investment. As Shepherd Book once said, "A man can live from here until Judgement Day if he has enough rosemary."
Salt and Pepper are two basics I’m sure you’re familiar with.
Garlic, Oregano, and Basil go great with pastas, vegetable dishes like zucchini, or anything that might have onions or mushrooms in it. (Oregano is the Italian spice: if you smell it, you’ll likely have flashbacks to every great pizza or dish of spaghetti you ever had.)
Cilantro, Chili Powder, Paprika, and Cumin are found in spicier foods and can add a tongue-burning kick to any boring dish you like — Cilantro, however, isn’t particularly spicy: more like a tangy aftertaste for salsas or sauces. Lime Juice also falls under that category, but I doubt you’ll use much of that until you’re stocked up on other important things. Like flour and sugar and caviar.
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Recipe #1: Hard-Boiled Eggs
Tools Required
Stove, Sink
Pot and Lid
Paper Towel(s)
Plate and Silverware
Level 1 Ingredients
Eggs
Level 2 Ingredients
Mustard, Ketchup, or other Condiment(s)/Spice(s)
Level 3+ Ingredients
Tomato
Bacon
Toast
Lettuce
Cilantro
A. Place however many eggs you want into your pot, and fill the pot with water until the eggs are covered. (Don’t over-fill it; if there’s not around an inch of space or more between the water’s surface and the top of the pot, drops may splash out onto the hot stove when it’s boiling.) (And I know this wasn't on the list, but if there happens to be baking soda in the vicinity, sprinkling a little in the water will make the eggs easier to peel.)
B. Turn the stove on high, and hang around. You can probably fiddle with something else in the meantime, but stay within earshot or so.
- If you want to create Level 3+ eggs, you can chop up the tomato now. How much tomato you want is your preference: I’d recommend about one spoonful of tomato chunks per egg you’ll be eating (so the average tomato could provide enough material for three or four eggs). Refrigerate it until the eggs are ready.
C. After about four minutes (depending on your stove), the water will start boiling (not little bubbles just starting to rise from the base of the pot: big bubbles will be disturbing the surface of the water). Turn on a timer and then leave the pot this way for five minutes. If water does keep splashing out, you can turn the stove down to medium high or medium — just try to keep it boiling for those five minutes.
D. After those five minutes are up, turn the stove off, remove the pot from the hot burner, and put it on another burner or empty surface. Put the lid on it, restart your timer for twelve-to-fifteen minutes, and leave it.
- For Level 3+ eggs, now’s probably a good time to stick bacon in the microwave if you want to add it to the final dish: remember, one minute per bacon slice. When it’s done, put it on a paper towel to dry.
E. After the time’s up, remove the lid, take the pot to the sink, and use a spoon to move the eggs into a container of cold water. (Or just run the tap cold into the pot and let it overflow for a minute or so; this process will take a bit more cool water because the pot’s still pretty hot and will warm up the new water at first.) This process is called “cold shock” and will make the eggs easier to peel.
- For Level 3+ eggs, now’s probably a good time to stick the bread in the toaster. (If your toaster scale is 1-10, a 4-6 setting will probably be best. Most people want lightly-browned and crispy toast, which takes about three or four minutes. Hopefully you already know your own toaster well enough to keep from burning your flat down).
F. Any eggs you don’t want to eat right away can be stored in the fridge and eaten cold at a later date (but note: they can’t be reheated once they’re cooled or you’ll just overcook them). If you want to eat an egg warm, the cold shock won’t reduce their temperature too much, so after the cold shock you can peel their shells onto a paper towel and enjoy Level 1: a plain, hard-boiled egg.
G. For a nice Level 2 twist, cut the peeled egg into slices and lay it out on a plate. Add a squiggle of a condiment like mustard (which goes particularly well with eggs) across the top of the egg or on the side of the plate in any cool design you want, and ta-dah!
H. For Levels 3 and up, add a spoonful of the diced tomato and/or a handful of crumbled bacon (or any chopped ingredients you want, really), and it’s a restaurant-worthy masterpiece with barely any effort involved! Serve it on toast (plain, buttered, mayo-ed, etc.), wrapped up in a lettuce leaf, or garnished with cilantro for extra fanciness.
If your lady came over and you served this to her, she might see a…
Level 1: Snack.
Level 2: Appetizer.
Level 3+: Hors D'oeuvre.
Amazing what a little garnish can do, right? But don't worry if something goes wrong, even with simple recipes like this one; Cooking is learned by experience more than reading. I mean, I only know most of these concoctions because growing up in our family required near-daily participation in various kitchen duties. That means I've had about two decades of practice: so don't feel bad if your first few tries on a new recipe come out a little wonky; mine still do, every time I try something new (or sometimes even when I go back to something I've successfully made in the past).
Just keep reading, keep learning, keep cooking… and if the mood takes you, then let me know how useful (or awful?) these tutorials are so that I too can Level Up in the future.
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