Step by Step and Word for Word

It’s funny how the aspects of our lives that we consider to have under control are the ones most likely to blow up in our faces. So often it’s not the struggles that I’m aware of that have the most clout, but the ones that creep up because I’d assumed that I’d “already learned” that lesson or that I was “covered,” and didn’t have to re-think it or re-examine it or worry about it. I used to think that fighting spiritual battles is like riding a bike.

It’s not.

I’ve never been a really nervous or scared person, but as you already know I came to New York originally in a state of fear. I’m not an emotional person and have yet to cry at any movie I’ve ever seen, but I’ve bawled in all but about two church services that I’ve attended in the month that I’ve been here.

Tonight was another one of those nights… but instead of just a brief sob or a sniffle at the feeling of God’s presence, it was just ongoing. No matter how much I wiped the tears away, they would just keep coming. But maybe I should start from the beginning.

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You could say I had a really productive week. We shot the interviews for two videos in one day, edited them the next day, and got a tour of CNN on Thursday with lots of amazing advice from a Godly man in the media business (and an Asburian, no less). I learned a lot about job-hunting and resumes and websites… Even before the week had started, I was already applying to job after job in the media world — by Thursday evening, I was like a maniac. Google-searching, Linkedin, StaffMeUp, you name it and I was working on it! I’ve been arranging interviews over the phone and editing my portfolio on my website and double-checking every hobby I’ve had in the past five years to see if there were any that I’d missed!

And you know what happened?

I woke up on Friday absolutely burnt out. And with a catchy little song about the walls of Jericho playing in my head for no apparent reason.

I’d planned to take the day off anyway, but I barely even had the urge to draw or read or write: it was like wringing that last scrap of toothpaste from a tube. I went to Starbucks in the hopes of being more productive there, and treated myself to a latte and donut with the last of my Starbucks card. I wrote a little, read a little, and browsed more online job listings because that was all I could think about.

Thank God that the church I’m attending has a young adult service on Friday nights!

I went there feeling fried and unproductive and just done with everything — I even forgot my Bible somehow, and wound up in a pew with just my sketchbook (which, as you will see, was still God’s providence). I prayed at the altar before the service started. I basically just said (in a nutshell and for lack of a better cliché), “Jesus, take the wheel.” I knew that I couldn’t get a job unless He wanted me to, and I knew that I had to wait on His perfect timing and that if He wanted me to stay in New York or to go home or move to a new city or whatever, things would work out. But what bothered me wasn’t His timing so much as it was the fact that I didn’t even have an inkling which direction His plan might take me in.

The first song started, but my heart wasn’t really in it. All of the emotions of the past week were just piled up on me so I sat down and just decided to start writing down my fears and worries so God could deal with them.

(And by the way, it’s amazing how much easier it is to deal with your fears once you’ve written them down. Fears thrive on being vague and unknown. But make them known and identify their specific aspects and they lose all potency.)

This is what I wrote (or was thinking but didn’t quite manage to write word-for-word because of how fast it was all happening):

I think my main reason for working so hard and worrying so much is because I know I’m a lazy person. I love watching movies and I love just doodling and I love just sitting around outisde doing absolutely nothing. I came into this internship sort of waltzing in, thinking that anyone would be happy to hire me because I’m so qualified for a college-graduate. I spent the first few weeks relaxing and only scattering a few applications here and there because “God would provide.”

But when nothing happened, I thought maybe it was my fault for being lazy so now I’m working hard and I still don’t feel any closer to a job than when I started! I mean, what if I’m ignoring the place where God wants me, which might be just the internship by itself? Or what if I’m just applying in all the wrong places and there’s a career-type that I haven’t even considered, like seminary or teaching or counseling or something?… It was so much easier letting God do all the work, but I’m afraid of being lazy or sullen and missing out on God’s plan because I’m walking down the wrong path or ignoring the right one because I’d rather not take it — or worse, not even realizing there’s a third path at all…

While I was crying out to God on paper and literally crying as well, the song “We Want to See Jesus Lifted High,” was being sung… and suddenly I heard these words.

“Step by step, we’re moving forward. Little by little, we’re gaining ground…”

More tears. And then there was a brief speaking presentation that again spoke about not giving up.

Amazing how every song, prayer, extra word of encouragement seems aimed at me. Every intermittent speaker, random Bible verse, every time I step into this church there is a message somehow directly correlated to what I’m going through. And why? Even as I write this, now everyone’s singing why: “Jesus at the center of it all.”

But if You can speak to me so easily, God, then can’t You just tell me something — anything — about my future? It doesn’t have to be much, but something! Should I stay in this apartment or this city or this state or this country…?

“Nothing else matters, nothing else will do…”

Should I live with family or find a close friend or distant relative—?

“Nothing else matters, nothing else will do: Jesus at the center of it all.”

How can I live without knowing what’s a month ahead? A month. It’s mid-July. I’m halfway through this internship. I barely have a month before I have to… do something! And like when I was graduating college and job-hunting back then… I have absolutely no clue where to even start. If I just knew it wasn’t my fault for being lazy. If I just knew the future—

“It’s all about you…”

It’s all about Jesus. I know that. But God, back to my problem: how should I live my life ‘all about You’? Is it ministry? Is it Christian media? Secular media? TV? Film? Am I supposed to look for a job in a church—?

“Jesus be the center of your church…”

I just want to go home.

But where is home?

Family?

Friends?

Job?

I’ve never had all three in one place. I’ve always had to choose—

“It’s all about You, it’s all about You…”

I know I’ll always have You, but what about this other stuff!? I know that You’re overflowing and generous and ever-present and fulfilling and that You’ll never leave me, but what about… everything else!?

“All I need is You, Lord… All I need is You, Lord… All I need is You, Lord…”

I know You’re standing on the water but I just want to know how You’re going to deal with the wind and the waves around me! Because if I don’t pay attention to the wind and the waves then how will I know if I’m walking on water correctly, or at all!?

And then speakers started to come up.

“God knows what you’re going through. What situations you’re facing.

“He has a plan and a purpose for you.

“God sees when we’re ready to give up and throw in the towel. He’s going to provide.

“Sometimes we just need to know that we’re going to be okay.”

What am I really qualified to do, anyway? What do I really know? What in this life have I really earned? Nothing.

I have nothing but by the grace of God, nothing but what You’ve provided for me—

“Oh, and by the way we’re looking for graphic designers, photographers, videographers, and writers for this new ministry…”

I nearly choked on my own tears. Couldn’t believe that after all I’d done, it was God who was really tossing the ideal opportunities into my lap. In church.

WHAT.

But is it unpaid? I can’t volunteer more. I’m living on fumes. Far be it from me to ignore You, but… seriously?

All this time I've felt like a stagnant pool, searching for a way to connect to the rivers around me… but it’s God who sends the rain and directs the overflow. It’s God who causes springs to arise and trickle into me and make me clean again.

Hallelujah.

I AM NOT A STAGNANT POOL.

Somehow after that, the burdens seemed to wash away. I sang and danced and soaked in God’s presence and providence for me.

“Some of us are worried about school, some of us are worried about work, some of us are worried because we’re twiddling our thumbs and wondering what’s next… it’s just nice to stop and glorify God no matter what week you’ve had.”

Amen to that.

We heard the story of Elisha’s servant, who discovered that they were surrounded by enemy forces and cried to his master, ‘What shall we do!?’

“What weapons are you fighting with? This servant’s word, 'do', means work. To produce of our own strength.

“You can’t do this by yourself. God is with you. Greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world.

“Do you believe God? Do you believe that He’ll provide for you?”

It’s not ‘can’ He, but ‘when’ will He? And ‘how’ will He? I just want to help.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.

“You say, ‘But what can I do to fight this army?’ God says, ‘I got you.’ If you try to do things in your own strength, Christ will profit you nothing.

“Every Jericho in your mind is coming down.”

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